Why are you adopting? The Long Answer

One of the most interesting things I have noticed during the process of adopting so far, is how often we are asked about the decision itself. Why are you adopting? Essentially, the decision to adopt is a complex and private thing, like anyone's decision about how they decide to create a family (or not). However, in the past adoption has been shrouded in so much secrecy, resulting in so much pain for so many (like my father), that I feel almost beholden to talk about our decision. Not to mention, the number of questions we get now are only a small fraction of what we will be getting when we are going about our business with a Chinese daughter. We will need to talk about adoption both with our daughter and with countless others because we cannot have her believing that adoption is a shameful thing. At the same time I wouldn't want to give her, or anyone else, the impression that her life story is not her own; that it is an open book for all to read (unless she wants it to be). We need to maintain her privacy as well.

It seems like there are just as many motivations behind the questions we are asked as there are people who ask them. That is one of the things that makes the "why" question really hard to answer. Some people are just kind of benignly curious. I never really know what to say to those people. Mind your P's and Q's springs to mind. Other people seem genuinely concerned about our health and well-being. In this instance, I often get the strong sense they believe one must be horribly damaged in some way to consider adopting. I do understand that the urge to reproduce is healthy and that things like infertility really, truly suck. However, I wish there was an easy way of conveying to people who are concerned about us that adoption doesn't always come from a place of loss, at least not for the parents. For the child, there is always a loss. Scott and I don't feel a sense of loss at this point. We did for a couple of months, when I was unsuccessfully trying to stop taking migraine medication so that we could start a family. It really didn't take long for us to realize that the cultural narrative surrounding pregnancy and childbirth was actually stronger than our actual desire to participate in either of those things. Also, we both found the decision very satisfying and in keeping with our values pertaining to population growth, global ecology, etc... We are overjoyed to be adopting.

I have had people tease me or ask me jokingly why we aren't adopting from Africa, as that is the "in" place right now. Oh dear. Obviously, they are not people who know me well! Let's just say that trendiness is not something that factored into our decision. At all. Full stop. I am genuinely pleased that adoption as an option is becoming more widely accepted-- probably because celebrities are adopting and speaking out about it. It is impossible to be upset at the prospect of fewer orphans roaming the earth. However, I have a hard time fathoming that anyone would adopt a real live human being because it is the trendy thing to do.

Sometimes people act like adopting a child is doing something worthy of sainthood. I find it really embarrassing when people get all maudlin about orphans and God when they are talking about our adoption, or even adoption in general. I have encountered some people in the adoption community who appear believe adopting brings them closer to God. Some, I have noticed, seem to view themselves as being very, very close to God-- maybe Icarus close. I am not too overjoyed if there is an air of sanctimony about the whole thing, but if adopting brings people closer to God and gives orphans good homes, I say go nuts. Proximity to God was definitely not a determining factor in Scott's decision to adopt. It was for me, but not in the way that some might think. Neither of us thinks we are sacrificing anything or performing acts of mercy or charity. I could go on about this for awhile, but I am trying to show some restraint. I have heard more about God and Jesus in relation to adoption than I have ever heard about God and Jesus in my whole life. I have spent 10 years of my life at a Catholic college, so I find that pretty amazing.