How Is Parenting Different?

The unfortunate thing about all adoptions is that they inevitably stem from a loss. All adopted children have lost their biological parents--maybe only partially as in the case of open adoptions, or maybe entirely as in the case of closed and most international adoptions. Some, but not all adoptive parents have lost their dream of having biological children. Losing one's birth parents is a really big deal; the effects are profound and lifelong. Babies and kids who are adopted from far away places not only lose their birth parents, but when they are adopted they lose their cultural heritage and any relationships they have established while in the orphanage as well. Essentially, when a baby or child is adopted they lose every last thing they have ever known--every smell and sound is new. Understandably, there is a great deal of grief that surfaces and resurfaces over and over again as an adopted child grows up. Typically, children who live with their birth parents don't have these kinds of losses, and they are parented accordingly. Adopted children need to be parented in a way that is sensitive to on-going grief and in a way that fosters the creation of a solid attachment in a child who has learned at a very young age that nobody can be trusted. We will have to parent differently than all of the parents I know of, which might seem weird at times. For example, disciplining an adopted child is really different. It wouldn't be very empathetic or effective to place a child who is acting out due to grief in a time-out all alone because being left alone is usually his or her greatest fear. Time out works for many kids, but for adopted kids who are trying hard to believe that you will never ever leave them no matter what they do, it just seems kind of cruel! Anyway, what works for a child who has a solid attachment to draw upon in times of trouble is different than what works for a child who has experienced such profound losses.